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| Lovers turn into monsters at the loss of all affection
Almost like it was the affection that kept them from being monsters
And I could have used some warning
I was on that porch all morning
Smoking cigarettes and sinking deeper into doubt
Could it be I am mistaken, have I stolen somebody's baby?
Is it possible for two people to need the same thing?
It's just the lines, they get so blurry
Between what is once, and now required
And I don't know on which side his heart falls
But I know where mine is buried
And it's so far from any wanting
Yeah, it needs this to keep beating
It won't go on without it
If I'm still weighed down with subtleties
Then I'll just come right out and say
That I think that I deserve her
More than anyone deserves anything
Maybe I am selfish, but there is no way to share this
There's not enough to go around, I don't care who else gets hurt
But I'm still sick with empathy because I was stood in his place
I spent a year quietly dying while he let go and ignored her
And I'm sure that there are reasons for everything that happens
And absence leads to adoration, yeah it's nobody's fault
But now there is no way to change this
So I just photographed and framed it
And it's hanging in a hallway
That we have no right to walk back down
But I hope that he feels better but I'm sick of all the drama
I can't stand to see her crying, I just want this shit to end
And I want a place to hang out where record players play out
And there's a thousand movies rented for a thousand nights with her
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| I regret it. I regret it more than anything I've ever regretted... | | |
| I've got a new hold on life. It's great, it's free, it's easy. Life and death are one in the same. Tomorrow is Easter, we just got a new PS2. :) I could have fixed the old one, but all our stuff for it is down in Florida anyway, so fuck it. Last night was so much fun, I haven't met new people in so long. I'm likin' Jonny, he's hilarious and his laugh is great, one of a kind, AND, he's a fighter, he looks great when he fights too. I started liking fighting after I went to that hockey game with Aviromie and Reuven. It was awesome. I just hope Adam isn't too upset that I'm not really diggin' him instead. My interview at Hollister went well, I think I'm starting Monday or Tuesday. It's funny, I own all Hollister stuff and I've never bought a single piece of clothing from there. I lost all my old friends, but it's awesome to have new ones and older ones, they're so much more MATURE, and plus being old enough to buy booze is a good addition. Nick's coming over soon, sometime. Idk, we're going somewhere tomorrow, I don't remember where it was he said though...he's over like every day and my mom still doesn't like him. Oh well, we've been friends since like, we were born. I still can't stop smoking or drinking, and I really don't care to. It's still not affecting my health whatsoever, so I don't care what anyone else says, if I do end up sleeping, it's great the wake up to the reassurance of my vodka right next to me, not a single sober moment, that's what I think will work. That's all I think will work. I'm doing great, being an activist is great too, my life actually means something. Maybe, eventually, I'll have made up for all the bad I've done. I'll become a good person that people love and depend on. Doorbell, PEACE. | | |
| They said that when I faced it
It would hurt
So I'm a little frightened now
Because it doesn't yet hurt
I don't think it ever will hurt until I'm really away from it all
Far away from it all
So far away that it will be impossible to forget the pain
Or at least wash it away with what they all call poison
I just wanted it to go away, not forever, just while it lasted
Just while I could still feel the bruises and while I was still dizzy when I stood I wanted everything bad to fade
I tried to make some good from it,
but everything good I made was fake
They all saw through it
How could I not feel ashamed? Or at least embarrassed?
I don't though, I don't feel that way
I feel guilty, but for my own reasons
I still haven't learned what it means not to be selfish
I don't think I'll ever learn. I miss them all, I deserved to lose them,
I wish I could have them back, I wish I could have
kept what I had, instead of twisting them all around my finger
and causing such a sweet mess
They told me of how used and mistreated they felt
and they're glad I was taken advantage of
I didn't really mean to lead them all on
I tried to tell them No one listens anymore
No one listens anymore
No one listens anymore
No one listens anymore
No one listens anymore No one calls anymore I miss them all
I never took the first step forward,
they always reached out to grab my hand
and guide me, even though all I ever did
was thank them, that's all I ever did I kept telling them though, "I don't deserve this."
I kept telling them, "You don't understand how much I don't deserve this." They never did understand... | | |
| You still cross my mind from time lo lime. And I mostly smile.
Still so set on finding out where we went wrong and why
So I retrace our every step with an unsure pen,
Trying to figure out what my head thinks,
But my head just ain't what it used to be.
And then again, what's the point anyway?
I remember you ascending all the stairs up to the balcony
To see if you could see me - hidden quietly away
And I remember the skin of your fingers,
The spot three quarters up I'd always touch when I was out of things to say.
You held my hand, but you were too afraid to speak and I could never understand.
I remember when you leaned in quick to kiss me, and I swear,
That not a single force on earth could stop the trembling of my hand,
And I remember how you smiled through the smoke
In a crowded little coffeehouse and laughed at all my jokes.
And I remember the way that you dressed and,
How we wasted all the best of us in alcohol and sweat
And I remember when I knew that you'd be leaving, how I barely kept up breathing
And I bet if I had to do it all again, I'd feel the same pain,
And I remember panicked circles in the terminal in tears.
How I wept to god in fits. I've hated airports ever since.
It must be true what people say, that only time can heal the pain.
And every single day I feel it fade away, but -
I still remember how the distance tricked us,
And lead us helpless by the wrist into a pit to be devoured.
I still remember how we held so strong to this,
Though we had never really settled on a way out.
I still remember the silence, and how we'd always find a way
To turn and run to our mistakes.
I still remember how it all came back together just to fall apart again.
My dear, I hear your voice in mine.
I've been alone here, I've been afraid, my dear.
I've been at home here. You've been away for years. I've been alone.
I breathed your name into the air; I etched your name into me.
I felt my anger swelling; I swam into it's sea.
I held your name inside my heart, but it got buried in my fear.
It tore the wiring of my brain; I did my best to keep it clear.
So, dear, no matter how we part, I hold you sweetly in my head.
And if I do not miss a part of you, a part of me is dead.
If I can't love you as a lover, I will love you as a friend.
And I will lay a bed before you; keep you safe until the end. | | |
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